Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Stocks in turmoil as Neasden bank reports shock profit

(From The Price of Everything) “You couldn’t get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.” – Edward Flaherty.

January 29 (London) – European stock markets were thrown into fresh turmoil today as Société Bancaire de Neasden shocked investors by disclosing that it had inadvertently drifted into profit during its fourth quarter. At a press conference, SBN Chief Executive Officer Boris Nurdbongleur expressed his remorse.

“This is a dark day in the history of Société Bancaire de Neasden, the premier investment banking powerhouse of the Willesden Green and Dollis Hill area. I know our customers, investors, shareholders and taxpayers count on us to lose money, and I feel like I have let them all down.”

He admitted that he had tendered his resignation to the bank’s chairman, Mr. Boris Nurdbongleur, but that his offer had been rejected. The bank’s CEO also pledged to launch a full scale investigation into the rogue profit, jointly headed by the bank’s crack Forensic Trade Oversight, Manipulation and Reconciliation Committee, Boris Nurdbongleur, and head of Settlements, Compliance and Executive Compensation, B. Nurdbongleur.

The errant profit is thought to have been triggered when a sandwich delivery man managed to bypass the bank’s state of the art security system, Mavis on reception, and accidentally sat on a keyboard in the bank’s dealing room. Announcement of the profit was delayed pending the purchase of a replacement keyboard, thought to be a Keysonic Wireless Mini, available from Argos Neasden at £34.95. Commentators suggested that this might not be the last occurrence of an incompetent arse in a dealing room this year.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Marti Peeps, a spokesman for the bank, admitted that he was gloomy on prospects for the sector, notwithstanding Société Bancaire de Neasden’s surprise results.

“This has come in the wake of other débacles within the group, and indeed from all other banks, in real estate lending, securitised lending, high yield, subprime investment and hedge fund sponsorship. I foresee a flight to liquidity followed by possibly severe depression – but enough of my plans for the evening.”

SBN was recently forced to close its flagship hedge fund, Long Term Riskless Ultra-Cautious Diversified Capital Preservation III Master Fund, which catastrophically failed three minutes after launch. Regulators believe Boris Nurdbongleur may also have played a part in proceedings, as Head of SBN’s Triple Alpha Pro-Plus Delta One Specutrage desk. The firm tried to head off creditors to the fund by claiming, unsuccessfully, that it was incorporated on Io, one of Jupiter’s larger moons, and therefore beyond any terrestrial claims for compensation.

This is not the first time the Neasden-based bank has been involved in an awkward trading mishap. Traders at the bank last year managed to lose $4.3 quadrillion during the morning coffee run. CEO Nurdbongleur promised to winkle out the miscreants responsible for the latest blow to the prestige of the Prout Grove-based banking leviathan.

“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger,” commented Mr. Nurdbongleur in a newly revealed “hardline” stance against banking fraud, which was later revealed to be part of the dialogue from ‘Pulp Fiction’.

Fears were first raised about the extent of Société Bancaire de Neasden’s previous trading losses when the Eurex derivatives exchange started receiving the bank’s margin payments via the Emma Maersk, a 400 metre long 170,000 ton container ship.

As news emerged of the latest shock profit, the Federal Reserve Open Market Committee was said to be in secret session.

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Chancellor Alastair Badger were said to be following proceedings closely. French President Nicolas Sarkozy was otherwise engaged, to fruity Italian Ms. Carla Bruni. The FTSEurofirst 300 Bank Index closed down 1, at 0.

Download Stocks_in_turmoil.pdf with enhanced, banktastic graphics.

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